Friday, August 7, 2015

#29 - Changes

Changes happen every so often in a person's life...whether or not they want it. In this case, I needed it. You know, I always said that history tends to repeat itself. I mean, look at all these fashion trends coming back from the grave as if it has all been zombified in some way. Eh, pay no attention to my babbling. This is what happens inside my head most of the time. And mind you...I have not done much writing in a while and it has finally come to light that my mind has not been at rest (or at the stage of trying to relax), until now. Anyways, back to what I was talking about. 

Change. Change is good. Although it may disguise itself as something horrific that you don't ever want to experience...like some type of flesh-eating disease. Oh, okay...maybe that's not a great example...but, you know what I mean. Some years ago, something tragic happened to me. SOME people may not see it as tragic, but in the course of my life...it was traumatic. Some people judge you for how you express your feelings about a turn in your life...but, you know what? Fuck them. Feel free to express your soul. Anyways, let me explain to you all exactly the course of events that took place on August 10, 2013. 

Whenever someone doesn't get their way, or feels violated on their status somewhere...shit goes crazy. In this case, I stood up for myself after the constant words being thrown at me: "slut", "prostitute", "whore" --- and any other derogatory words and phrases you can think of. When someone sees you as a certain word or phrase, there's nothing else you can do to change their mind. It sticks to them as if some invisible crazy glue bonded their crazy image of you from what is clearly in front of them --- the opposite of what they see or made themselves believe. This is when that phrase about how you should stay true to yourself comes to light. Never let anyone tell you who to be or define who you are. Only YOU can. If you even let them in, just a little bit, you're done. You can't get yourself back. You start to believe them as well...and that is something I swore to myself that I will never do. I will stay strong and stay true to myself and my beliefs. 

The end of it all...I stood up for myself. For the first time. And once I stood up for myself, they didn't like it and decided to make themselves weak by choking me. And there I was, up against the wall, with these hands and evil eyes staring at me, as I tried to push and gasp for air. Finally, the tension around my throat released. For a moment, I thought I was dead. But, there I was...shocked at what happened in those few seconds - which felt like hours. Tears gushed from my eyes as anger and hate and fear sunk in. From that moment on, my trust was betrayed. I would never gain back my respect for that person and I would never see them in a good light. They were forever tainted in my eyes --- evil and weak. Now, as the story goes...I went through some more hardships -- being homeless with my then 2 year old son for 3 days and 3 nights -- me, sleeping in a grotto outside on the floor, as I tried to comfort my son as much as I could, although he had no idea what was happening around him. When my family was finally able to save me from my hell in limbo, I then had to deal with child services because I contacted authorities for help about what happened. I didn't have a job, no money...and lost all belief in myself after that tragic event. However, after all that...I told myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I needed to find myself again and be there for my son. He was my saving grace. Seeing my 2 year old, smile at me and feel his touch, made my heart grew and helped me see myself again. I knew that whatever decisions I had to make from then on, weren't just for me now...it was all for him. My son. The one who would unconditionally love me from all this horrible events in my life. 

From that traumatic experience, I had to deal with anxiety every night and waking up from my sleep, sweating and gasping for air...and picturing those hands shoot at me as if a bullet was blasted in point blank -- over and over again. And I can admit now, that I've had moments then -- through all the recovery -- where I wasn't myself. And I had to fight through it all to find myself again. From all that...from all the evil, I managed to find the effort to balance 3 different jobs, put my kid to daycare when I was working...and I was finally able to breathe for the first time since the incident. Looking back all those years from now...and all the progress I've made since then...all I can do is look forward to the future -- because all I see is light from here on. 

Now, as for the changes in my life currently...it all pans back to what I first mentioned earlier --- history tends to repeat itself. 

Now, mind you...things have been great since that incident. I found my true love and I was living a life where I was happy with myself. Don't get me wrong...I had moments when I lost myself along the way and had to deal with minor hardships in life...and also losing a family member who was the one woman I looked up to --- my grandmother -- but, I still managed to take care of it all. One year later and a couple days after I was choked...my dear grandmother passed away from a long struggle from cancer. She was fighting for her life all these years and I admire her from everything she has done for me and my cousins all these years growing up. She was my mom -- since my own mother was across seas for many years throughout my childhood to my young adult-hood. Now, I am going to take this time to explain to you why I admire my grandmother so much. 

My grandmother, "Mama"...all my childhood, was the queen. The boss. The one in charge of everything. Even when life threw her curve balls, she found ways to stay true to herself and strong and handle everything with such grace. I grew up wanting to be her. Although she struggled through heartache from my grandfather (who also passed away just recently this July 2015 - one year after Mama passed away), and fought for her life from cancer...she managed to stay strong. I would see her try and clean and cook, although you could clearly see she could barely hold herself up. I miss my mama so much. Everyday, something would remind me of her...and what she would say to me at certain events in my life when I needed guidance. From time to time, I feel her presence with me and hear her saying to me, "Everything will be alright, Em...Trust me".

Anyways, no other woman can compare to my mama. And I will stay true to those words and hold them dearly. Now, back to what I was mentioning about history tending to repeat itself. A couple weeks ago, another similar incident happened to me once more. Let my try and explain what happened. So, I stood up for myself once again, because this said person wasn't respecting me. The sequence of events lasted a month prior to the incident. Let's just say it was watching a middle aged woman throw a fit and tantrum over something that didn't need to be stressed over. And along the way, stress levels and anger levels rose up and something in staring at those red, demonic eyes, while grabbing at my hands...stated that this relationship was done and over. Although it was quite similar to my previous encounter of a weak person, it differed in some way. The similarities were extraordinary, as well as the timing. But, overall in the end...past the heartache and stress this person put me under, I once again found my peace. 

A great disaster in your life always leads you to the path of what is right. A negative person who disguised themselves as light, will always reveal their true colors. In this case, I am quite grateful this event happened in my life. Once again, it led me to wanting MORE success in my life and brought me more compassion and love for my loved ones. Success is always the greatest revenge (as one may say). And now, I'm at a place in my life, with wonderful people who emit so much light in this dark world...and continuing on to the future I've always wanted; my own place to which I call home and feel like I belong and with my son and loved ones. I can say that I wish I didn't have to go through these horrible events, but if I didn't...I don't think I'd be who I am today. I'm a lot more stronger and wiser and more independent than I was before all this happened. And I must say, if I ever had the chance to go back in time and reverse all these negative events...I wouldn't. 

That is all. 

Change can be good. As long as you know how to deal with it and where to go from there. And as long as you have a mind set that bad things will always happen to good people, but karma is going to kick some ass to those who mean harm, you will be alright. And I believe in karma. And I'm sure all those negative people believe in it too, because they're living in that bad karma all their lives. And there's nothing wrong with forgiveness. You can forgive, but you shouldn't forget. And in this case, I forgive those people...but, I will NEVER forget. And I will never respect them. EVER. Sounds like such a great deal of a grudge...but that's what happens when you lose my respect. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

#28 - New Office Job

I can't believe that's it's been a little over a year since I posted on my blog. Well, a lot has happened in a year and there's too much to write about. However, there is one recent advantage in my life right now. I just got a new job! And yes, I am currently at training day #1 and on break, so technically I have some time to write a quick blog. So, my new job is being a client relations coordinator at this company and this is my first office job ever! I have always worked in the food industry as a waitress or bartender and I'm venturing out of my comfort zone and trying something new and hopefully keep up with a salary based job. Don't get me wrong!!! I loved the food industry. It's just that I need more challenge and a new beginning in which I can progress and be able to provide for my family financially. And I'm hoping this new job works out well and I can continue to push myself forward. I want to be successful and in order for me to be successful, I must take action and be motivated in what I'm going to do. Well, time to continue my training day. So far, it feels just like school. Lots of booklets and getting t know each other. It's going pretty good so far :) Wish me luck!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

#27 - Disappearing Act

To everyone who has been checking out my blog for the past year...I'm back. Once again, I apologize for my inconsistent blogging. It's just that I have been pretty busy with my life and a lot has happened since my last post (which was on JULY 2013). It's been almost a year since my last post and I can say that it really sucks. Sorry for my little disappearing act.

Anyways, writing this new post -- the first of my 2014 posts -- made me realize that, when looking back on all my old posts, I can see them turning into some novel. Now, THAT would be pretty cool. Sometimes, I wonder how I can write such things, where the peak of my "literature intelligence", happens to occur in the wee hours of the morning -- such as at 3 am. Is it kind of weird how you get this sudden inspiration to just speak out your mind through writing and make you feel like you're not limited to anything? No judgements or whatsoever. Well, whenever I find myself writing some type of post at around 3 am, it's like my fingers have a life of its own and I have no control over what my mind is sending to my fingers to do -- write. I kinda see myself, in a few years from now, possibly writing some type of kids book or maybe even a little public diary that I would randomly just place at a library shelf and put down as an anonymous author. But then, what's the fun in being anonymous. I feel like I want to write an autobiography of my life and just placing it out there for all the world to see -- real names and all. No holding back. To be honest, at that point, I could care less what the people in my autobiography would say when I would expose every detail of my life -- good or bad -- to the public. Sometimes, I feel people should be more honest when it comes to writing. We all hold back for some reasons. Sometimes, my mind just goes on a neverending trance (so to speak), and I MUST write it all down. But that's a little difficult. 

Okay. In other words, I just wanted to say I was back. Once again, I said a lot of things has happened since my last post. In due time, I will be writing about them. But, for now...I must bid you all adieu and have a great night or good morning (pertaining to whichever part of the globe you are). 

Much love,

MD                             

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

#26 - People Always Leave...

"I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you." - WICKED

Today, I felt compelled to write a certain song. A song about people leaving. Friends come and go, they say. But, what they don't say is how much it hurts when they do. And what really breaks my heart, is remembering all the memories and all the laughter you've shared, and knowing that you can't get it back. It really does hurt. So, I wrote a new song based on that. "People always leave"....this was what Peyton Sawyer (from ONE TREE HILL) always lived by. Do you think it's best to close yourself from the world and other people just so that you won't feel the pain of the aftermath? Sometimes, I feel that way.

And during these late hours, my mind tends to wander off into the past. I'm not happy about it, but sometimes...it's nice to look back into the good memories. However, along with the good, comes the bad. I miss certain people in my life. I miss certain memories. I just wish I can have it all back. But, people always come and go. I must get used to that by now. Through all the stressful moments in my life, I've lost a handful of friends. It hurts to know that once the going gets difficult, people just leave. What ever happened to being there no matter what? What ever happened to true friends who will catch you when you fall and to encourage you? What happened to those endless conversations and staying up all night, laughing at all the stupid things you've done? What ever happened to them? What happened to you? Ugh. Just thinking of this upsets me. What I can't stand, as well, is the fact that some people PRETEND to be friends with you and not really give a crap about your being. Another thing, is when you try to reach out to someone, and unless you're in a situation where you can't be avoided...that's the only moment they will say "hi". Please, save your time. I just wish people were just more honest with each other, rather than saying things like, "The past is in the past. Move on, because I have," or "I really care about you..." - when in reality, they're lying. Well, enough of whatever it is I'm rambling on about.

The new song I wrote is entitled, "JUST LEAVE". This song is dedicated to about 3 people in my life, that I wish were still a huge part of it. Sad to say, I can't turn back time. And so can't they. I just wish they can see that they can't erase all the good feelings that came along with the person. I just wish they can hear me out. Oh well...I've recorded the piano track, along with the bass track to "Just Leave" and will be recording the vocals later on in the day. I'll make sure to post it when it's done. And for now, I will be listening to the WICKED soundtrack. Goodnight/good morning, everyone.

Much love,

MD